Update: Getting Away with Murder…

GGGGGGGGGGGG G-UNIT

Yesterday it was reported that Van Der Sloot confessed  to the Peruvian authorities for last week’s slaying of Stephany Flores. According to media reports, Joran claimed that he and Miss Flores went up to his hotel room and after he, or perhaps both of them, got high he left to go purchase some bread and coffee from a local market. Upon his return Stephany was searching his laptop and came across something or other linking him to the Natalee Holloway killing. She wanted to leave the room, he wouldn’t let her, she pushed him, and he claims he choked her and she died.

Typically this would be the point where Jesse Martin or Jerry Orbach would say, “You did the right thing in confessing this, kid.” Then they would get him some coffee and alert whatever hot assistant Jack McCoy was employing that the suspect confessed.  The show would appear to be over, until you realize there are still thirty minutes left, so some twist had to be in store. Cue Law and Order theme music: DA DA DA DAA DAAAAAA.

(cont’d after jump)

The first problem I gather from what I’ve been reading, is that the initial reports claimed she was beaten with a baseball bat. I’m no expert (or novice or abecedarian, even) at murder, but I would imagine that one wouldn’t confuse a body that has been asphyxiated with one that has been bludgeoned by a baseball bat.  From my extensive movie and tv watching it appears to be common  for people (with violent tendencies) to go for the ol’ hands around the neck, in a moment of anger (i.e. Christopher Moltisanti on Adriana’s in The Sopranos when she told him she was an informant for the F.B.I.). However, it is quite another thing to push someone down, walk over to your closet, open up a suitcase, pull out a baseball bat, walk back over to person and beat them until they cease movement. That requires malice aforethought, and that would paint you as a much more sinister character than a basic spur-of-the-moment choker.  Hence, this confession is probably leaving out some vital details.

Secondly, reports are already leaking that the interrogation tactics were a little bit over the top. Van der allegedly called his mommy crying telling her the conditions were barbaric and that they forced a confession out of him. I’ve watched enough police dramas to know this is a big no-no. Confessions get thrown out in America when your run-of-the-mill Andy Sipowiczs’ raise their voice at a suspect or pound on the table. I can only imagine what kind of atrocities go on in a Peruvian police station. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were sticking him with unraveled wire hangers that were left on a heated stove top flame.

Which would be fine, mind you,  if this were a normal Peruvian case. But alas, the worldwide community (read: United States) has their big eagle pyramid eye on this one–watching every little detail. I’m 100% positive Peru will be held to a higher standard than normal. Everything will have to be mistake-free, or else you will get some renegade watchgroup at some elite Northeastern law school like Harvard clamouring about Joran’s rights being violated and making some type of plea about him being treated unfairly and that he should be let go. If only so they can put on their resume “worked on Joran van der Sloot’s case in Peru and had him set free.” Any top criminal defense law firm in the country would take that law student. Who wouldn’t want to have a student from Harvard that got good grades and had a kid like Joran set free in another country, no less, for a crime that he confessed to? Talk about a huge signing bonus!

And don’t think these ideas haven’t crossed van der Sloot’s mind. Not for nothing, but he met Stephany playing poker at the casino in Peru. The Latin American Poker Tour was going to start in a few days at the same casino. Coincidentally, he also met Natalee Holloway playing poker in Aruba five years ago.  Poker players are seen as wild, uncontrollable rebels- at least in the United States. The social conservatives want to ban online poker in America, in part,  because it  is corrupting the morals of the youth and leading to gambling addictions. Poker, at least of the online variety, has consistently been embroiled in all kinds of tactics to stay afloat in the United States. Also, lots of online gambling sites are located in Aruba and South America and places of that nature with questionable reputations.

What does this have to do with the murders? Probably nothing. But perhaps everything. Bear with me. I’ll tie up all the loose ends quick, we only have 15 minutes left before another episode of Law and Order begins.

Ok. Let’s say the police interrogation was faulty and confession is thrown out and Peruvian police start from scratch. They still have a dead body that Joran has to explain himself for. He starts weeping and crying to the cameras about how gambling has ruined his life. He goes on and on about how he met both of the young women playing poker, and they too were gambling addicts involved in the underworld of South American casino poker. Sadly, it wouldn’t be too hard to paint both of these girls as less than honorable. They both were hanging out with some strange guy they just met, going into his hotel rooms and using illegal drugs. You add in that they were also poker junkies and it is easy for the Conservative Christians to shift some of the blame onto them for the predicaments in which they found themselves wrapped.

Once any amount of blame is shifted from him to them, he is able to pull the victim card and say again how it was poker that took control of him. The anti-gambling groups in the United States use him as proof positive that gambling can ruin not only the lives of the addict, but the innocent women(everyone will be scared that this too can happen to THEIR daughters) that are drawn into the evil lifestyle. They push for online gambling to be illegal, because that is where it all starts. As a result, they will argue that Joran should be in some gambling rehab because he couldn’t control his actions.

Some Harvard Law student reads all of this and gets some sense of righteous passion about the case and makes it her life goal to help poor Sloot. “It’s unfair, its wasn’t him, it was his addiction!” She will rally a bunch of similarly irrational law students together and they will wreak havoc on the Peruvian legal system, with some misguided law professor that wants to be a talking head on Fox News guiding them. The pressure will get too big and Peru drops the charges and Joran goes to a rehab clinic in his home country of Aruba–out in 6 months sipping piña coladas at the beach. To top it off, the law student that fights for him will be an attractive blonde that eventually falls in love with him. Then they get married and write books.

Sounds far-fetched, eh? Not until you realize that James Whitehouse was a Harvard Law student that married, Susan Atkins, the head Charles Manson follower accused of stabbing a pregnant Shannon Tate 16 times. He fought vigorously to get her out of prison to no avail. His only problem was he married her when she was already locked up and convicted. Had he and his Crimson chums gotten involved beforehand, she probably never would have gone to jail in the first place.

Don’t think Joran isn’t aware of this. He confessed to murder five years ago and got off scot-free. He is just upping the stakes this time, plus if he is lucky, he gets a hot lawyer wife to boot. It’s no fun only raising pre-flop with pocket aces, sometimes you have to gamble it up with 9-7 offsuit.

Joran van der Sloot to be Taken to Crime Scene Officials Say [Huffington Post]

Will van der Sloot Get Slap on the Wrist for Murder? [Fox News]

You Hear the News and Ask Yourself– Susan Atkins is Married [Associated Content]

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